Navigating Perfectionism and Control

This subject can be a tricky one.
We want to put our best foot forward, to do good work, to give it our all. But there’s a subtle line—one that many of us, myself included, cross from time to time—when healthy striving turns into perfectionism.

The perfectionist territory feels like white-knuckling life—gripping tightly to every outcome because we feel safer when we’re in control. It’s an attempt to manage uncertainty, to prevent pain, to avoid the sting of failure or disapproval.

But why do we do this?

For many, perfectionism is rooted in self-worth and old emotional wounds. It’s the armor we put on when life once felt unpredictable or unsafe.

For me, when I was young, life was full of change. We moved often, and when my parents went through a long, difficult divorce, my home was filled with high emotions and uncertainty. I learned to keep the peace. I became a deep empath—feeling everyone’s emotions and trying to smooth everything over. If I could make things perfect, calm, and predictable, maybe I wouldn’t have to feel so scared.

That conditioning followed me well into adulthood. Only through my spiritual journey and years of inner work have I started to gently unpack it all—to remind myself that I am no longer there. I am here, now. I don’t need to protect myself in the same ways. I can let go a little.

I can honor my imperfections as signs of growth and learning.
I can ask for help.
I don’t always have to keep it together.

Through tending to my inner child, I’ve learned to be brave enough to use my voice, to release control of the outcome, to allow myself to be seen—messy, real, and human. To flow with the river and the seasons, knowing that change is inevitable and that each moment offers a chance to begin again.

Perfectionism is not easy to navigate, but there are gentle ways to work with it. Here are a few you can try today if this resonates with you:

1. Acknowledge Where You’re Holding Tight

Take a quiet moment to look within.
Ask yourself: What areas of my life am I gripping the most? Where do I feel tension, pressure, or fear of being “not enough”? Awareness is the first step toward softening.

2. Connect with Your Inner Child

Perfectionism often begins with a younger version of us who felt unsafe, unseen, or like love had to be earned. Close your eyes and visualize her. What does she need to hear? Maybe something like:

“You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. You are enough just by being.”

Write her a short letter. Let her know she’s safe now, that you’re here to protect and nurture her.

3. Breathe and Regulate

When you notice yourself spiraling into control mode—pause. Take a slow inhale through the nose, and exhale twice as long through the mouth. Feel your body soften. The nervous system can’t feel both control and trust at the same time. Breath brings you back to trust.

4. Practice Self-Compassion, Not Criticism

Instead of judging yourself for your perfectionism, notice it with kindness. Say to yourself:

“I see that I’m trying to protect myself. Thank you, but I’m safe now.”
This shifts you out of shame and into self-acceptance.

5. Redefine Success

Instead of striving for flawless results, try setting intentions around presence, authenticity, and growth. Ask, “Did I show up with heart?” rather than “Did I do it perfectly?”

6. Trust the Flow

Life moves like a river. When we loosen our grip, we discover that we can float rather than fight the current. Let yourself be guided by faith, not fear. Trust yourself. Trust your timing. Trust your community around you—we rise higher when we lift each other up.

If this speaks to you, know that you’re not alone. Many of us are learning to unlearn the habit of control and to return to our natural rhythm of flow, trust, and authenticity.

You don’t need to be perfect.
You already are.

I’m here to walk beside you on this path of self-compassion and transformation.

With love and gentleness,
Maureen Mother Lotus